I cockslap morals
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
