I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
