Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
