I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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