I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
