Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
