Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
