Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
