i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
