After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
