Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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