things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
