My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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