you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
