I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The uberlube is also flammable
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
