roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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