At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
