I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize