Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
be right there i have to get my cape
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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