Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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