Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
