It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
