My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
