My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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