the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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