U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize