The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
