im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
