I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize