so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
