why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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