Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
