It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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