please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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