Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
