That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
