my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize