On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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