WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
