So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My cat gives me a boner
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
