I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't deserve a penis
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
