When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
