You just made me feel so damn special
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My vagina just clenched in fear
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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