My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
a search helicopter?!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
