I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize