Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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