New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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