I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
