I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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