So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
