He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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