this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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