I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
