my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i think i just lost a toe
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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