She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
