I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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