I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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