paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
