you guys were way drunker than both of me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
