True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
