The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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