fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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