Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize