You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
