Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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