I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
