The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sober January is a disaster.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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