Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
