You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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